Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Two fighter jets were scrambled on Sunday to escort a passenger plane after a security concern was expressed by the pilot. The flight crew was alarmed because two men who had been sitting in the same row spent an extraordinarily long time in the bathroom. Ultimately they were escorted off the plane in handcuffs, along with a woman who happened to be seated in their row, but who did not know them. Apparently, after being convinced none of the passengers presented any security risk, the authorities released them.
As far as I am concerned I want them prosecuted. If there is no federal crime for monopolization of an airplane lavatory I want one. I am a frequent user of the bathroom and availability is important to me. There are only a few on the plane, anyway, and even fewer when the plane has a first class cabin with its own bathroom. (A good reason to fly first class.) On top of that, one cannot just get up and go when you need to. Right after takeoff and right before landing the captain turns on the “fasten seat belt” sign and everyone is supposed to remain in their seats. If the flight encounters turbulence, the pilot keeps that damn thing illuminated most of the flight, putting a premium on restroom time.
As it is, we always have to stand in the aisle, next to the poor passengers in the back rows who try their best to ignore the long line of people hopping up and down inches from them. Airplanes are not built for lounging. Basically they have become Greyhound buses with wings, comfort being the least of Boeing’s concerns. I am fine with that. I don’t want to make the plane any long-term address. I am fine remaining in my seat, trying to ignore the seat in front of me reclined into my lap while the guy next to me overwhelms the narrow middle seat, and my chance to look out the window taken away by the window-seat passenger ignoring the spectacular view to pull the shade down, the better to see the in-flight movie of some poorly-reviewed romantic comedy and reruns of The Office.
But I need my lavatory time. I make sure to go right before boarding the plane and then eschew the free soft drinks so as not to create any more need than necessary, but when it is time to go, I want a chance to go. I will wait if necessary, but I expect all lavatory users to be considerate of their fellow passengers. I mean, really, two toilets for 150 people. I expect that the guy in front of me won’t plant himself in there while he finishes the next chapter of the salacious novel he picked up in the airport newsstand. Quick in and quick out is my motto.
The federal government has passed laws about airlines leaving the planes parked on the tarmac for hours; why can’t they criminalize excessive lavatory occupancy? Smoking in there is a federal offense, why not abuse of privacy? Don’t get on the plane if you are sick. The pilot has authority to make an unscheduled stop in Des Moines when a passenger is unruly, he should make the same call for lavatory abuse. Airline staff should have a key. Give these inconsiderate jerks a two-minute warning and then send in the swat team. Don’t just scramble fighters when this happens, follow-through. Make arrests and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.
I don’t care if these people are connected to al-Queda or not. You want to see some real terror? Keep me away from the lavatory the entire flight. Believe me, I am in more fear of that scenario than bombs in shoes and incendiaries in visine bottles.
At least I don’t have to worry about this on my next trip east. I am driving.
As far as I am concerned I want them prosecuted. If there is no federal crime for monopolization of an airplane lavatory I want one. I am a frequent user of the bathroom and availability is important to me. There are only a few on the plane, anyway, and even fewer when the plane has a first class cabin with its own bathroom. (A good reason to fly first class.) On top of that, one cannot just get up and go when you need to. Right after takeoff and right before landing the captain turns on the “fasten seat belt” sign and everyone is supposed to remain in their seats. If the flight encounters turbulence, the pilot keeps that damn thing illuminated most of the flight, putting a premium on restroom time.
As it is, we always have to stand in the aisle, next to the poor passengers in the back rows who try their best to ignore the long line of people hopping up and down inches from them. Airplanes are not built for lounging. Basically they have become Greyhound buses with wings, comfort being the least of Boeing’s concerns. I am fine with that. I don’t want to make the plane any long-term address. I am fine remaining in my seat, trying to ignore the seat in front of me reclined into my lap while the guy next to me overwhelms the narrow middle seat, and my chance to look out the window taken away by the window-seat passenger ignoring the spectacular view to pull the shade down, the better to see the in-flight movie of some poorly-reviewed romantic comedy and reruns of The Office.
But I need my lavatory time. I make sure to go right before boarding the plane and then eschew the free soft drinks so as not to create any more need than necessary, but when it is time to go, I want a chance to go. I will wait if necessary, but I expect all lavatory users to be considerate of their fellow passengers. I mean, really, two toilets for 150 people. I expect that the guy in front of me won’t plant himself in there while he finishes the next chapter of the salacious novel he picked up in the airport newsstand. Quick in and quick out is my motto.
The federal government has passed laws about airlines leaving the planes parked on the tarmac for hours; why can’t they criminalize excessive lavatory occupancy? Smoking in there is a federal offense, why not abuse of privacy? Don’t get on the plane if you are sick. The pilot has authority to make an unscheduled stop in Des Moines when a passenger is unruly, he should make the same call for lavatory abuse. Airline staff should have a key. Give these inconsiderate jerks a two-minute warning and then send in the swat team. Don’t just scramble fighters when this happens, follow-through. Make arrests and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.
I don’t care if these people are connected to al-Queda or not. You want to see some real terror? Keep me away from the lavatory the entire flight. Believe me, I am in more fear of that scenario than bombs in shoes and incendiaries in visine bottles.
At least I don’t have to worry about this on my next trip east. I am driving.
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