Miles's blog

You may not have noticed, but the Powerball jackpot is up to “$250 million.”  I put the number in quotation marks because lottery jackpot amounts are a classic example of false advertising.  The amount quoted all the time is the full annuitized payment if the winner selects the annuity and collects his prize over 30 years (this year being the first).  That means you do not actually win all that money.  What you win is the current cash in the jackpot fund.  According to Powerball the cash value of the current jackpot is $156 million.  Obviously a huge amount, and one I will spend a lot of Tuesday night dreaming about winning, but not $250 million.

As a matter of fact, there is no guarantee, even if you take the annuity, that you will get $250 million.  According to the Powerball website, they will take the $156 million and put it up for bids on a 30 year annuity.  Should the financial service underwriters only offer $240 million for the $156, that is all the winner would receive.  So, all in all, they are selling tickets which mislead millions of people.  On the other hand, I will buy tickets anyway.  I figure that taking into account the income taxes, $156 million should translate to more than $80 million in cash.  That would be enough money to do a lot of cool stuff.

Of course, I would travel.  I might go to Europe to watch Meg dance, or drive around America taking in baseball games.  I would donate to charity, buy a bookstore, and have a massive party for all my friends.  Maybe I would charter a jet and fly people to New York for a weekend.  I plan to get a house and build my own library, which I would fill with books. 

But mostly I plan to buy things.  Artwork would be high on the list.  No Monets, of course, since that would eat up most of the $80 million.  A new car; BIG SCREEN TV; nice stereo.  Most of all I want to buy the stuff on this website: Thisiswhyimbroke.comhttp://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/.

The people who compile this website must have so much fun.  I hope this is their full time job.  Check out this page.  I won’t buy any of it now, but if I hit the jackpot, a good chunk of that money is going for this stuff:

• The Dolphin Powerboat.  This thing dives then comes up like a dolphin breaking the surface.  I went to the company’s page.  They have a bigger, faster version which looks like a shark.  No prices were listed as they were all custom built.  I will definitely buy one of those to use at my beach house.  What a chick magnet!
• Water temperature LED faucet.  Don’t you get sick of sticking your hands in cold water all the time?  With this I can see when the water is hot.  Better yet, why don’t they invent something that will heat the water from the time you turn on the faucet?
• Titanic ice cube mold.  I am a history buff, I even liked the movie.  Here would be a constant reminder that nothing is unsinkable. Jedi bath robes.  I love Obi-wan.  I could wear this around the house and when the pizza delivery guy comes I could say things like “this is not the delivery where you need to get paid.”  I can hardly wait to use mind tricks on those guys with the white shirts, black ties and bibles. Also, a Storm trooper coffee mug.  Or maybe a Darth Vader mug. I can put that on my Han Solo frozen desk.  (I mean really, some people take things way too far.  There are about 50 Star Wars themed items. I bet Alexis’s new baby would love a Yoda beanie.) 
• Interactive pool table.  I am not too good at pool so I would be seeing these lights all the time.  Good thing I don’t drop acid.Glow in the dark toilet paper.  Completely unfunctional, but fun.  Lottery winners should have stuff like this just because they can.
•  Giant gumball machine.  At an auction for Meg’s high school dance program I once bought a gumball machine for which there was no key, making it a piece of not-very-attractive decorative art.  When I win the powerball I want one that works.
• Custom-made bobbleheads.  Actually these are so cool I may get one even if I don’t win.  I am sure George Brauchler is giving out George bobbleheads (probably in his Army uniform) on the campaign trail.
• Gigantic water slide.  I can use my shark boat to get there. 
• Flying car.  Of course I will have to get a pilot’s license, and rent out a garage because I bet the thing is a bitch to parallel park.
• Syringe needle pens.  Actually this is a gift for Noel because he is now the judge for drug court.  Wouldn’t that be great to use for the defendants to sign paperwork?
• Human hot dog cooker.  A picture tells a thousand words.  I defy you to see that and not laugh, despite telling yourself this is way too crude to laugh at.
• Two-story inflatable reindeer.  A gift for Mark Randall.

So watch the news.  If they announce the winning Powerball ticket was bought in Connecticut, you might actually know the winner.