Miles's blog

So I looked in the mirror today and saw some old guy looking back.  This was not a great surprise as the old guy has been intruding upon my self-indulgent gaze for years, but for some reason today he really got on my nerves.  I mean, that guy cannot be me.  I don’t have completely gray hair, my hair is brown.  And really, that guy has a lot less hair than I do.  

I know the solution to this problem.  I watch lots of sports on TV and I have seen lots of commercials starring New York icons Keith Hernandez and Walt Frazier for Just for Men.  The guy on the commercial is a total loser when he looks old and tries to hit on some blonde babe clearly a couple of decades younger.  “No play for Mr. Gray” intones Hernandez, possibly the finest fielding first baseman in baseball history, while Frazier, a member of the NBA Hall of Fame chuckles at the old man’s futility.  However, after using Just for Men, Mr. Gray is now Mr. Stud, and that same young blonde fairly mounts him at the end of the spot.  What guy would not want to have the radiated masculinity?

Of course, I need no blonde bimbos from bars, as I am with Susan, but heck, she deserves a break.  Why should she have to put up with some old guy, when she can be with a guy who young blondes throw themselves at?  

The reason this stuff is just for men, is that I guess it is quick and easy.  The new version is Just for Men Autostop, where you just comb it into your hair, wait 10 minutes and rinse it out.  According to the website this stuff is “foolproof” in that it automatically adjusts to your target color.  That is what I need, as I am not totally proficient at things like this.  Without their help I would probably end up with hair completely black, which would be unfavorable to my fair coloring.  This way, I can set it for just the shade of brown which favored my gentle curl.  (Well maybe, “gentle” is not a completely accurate description as it was more Brillo than Clairol.)

I am sure that once I have restored my youthful appearance for my hair, I will feel and act younger.  My knees will stop hurting every time I look at a set of stairs and I will have a renewed burst of energy.  No more 5 o’clock dinners and lights out at 9.  I will hit the clubs in New York with Meg, who will not be ashamed to be partying with her old man.  People will think I am just one of her cool friends as I Move Like Jagger until 4 a.m.

Maybe I can use Just for Men for Beards and Mustaches to grow some trendy facial hair.  Young men these days favor goatees or maybe just the unshaven for a week look.  I can turn my snow white, santa clause beard into a hip look.  This would spark a Renaissance for my long-lost youth.  Tattoos will be next.  I can see myself with some barbed wire around my bicep (which will grow exponentially after I hit the gym) and maybe some obscure Etruscan symbol across my back.

Like all young men I will need some piercings.  Ears are de rigeur but I doubt I will stop there.  To feel young again I need to act young.  

Retirement will be out of the question.  Although I will not return my pension, I will seek work in a trendy area.  Maybe work for some internet magazine or catch on with the music industry.  I am well familiar with popular music like “Forget You” by that fat guy from The Voice, and that popular country singer Lady Antebellum.

I can hardly wait to get my hair brown again.  I am going to grow it out like I did when I looked like Mr. Kotter.  Those were the good old days.