Miles's blog

I have been sitting around Stamford for six months now and I think it is time I found a job.  Seeing that the commissioner of baseball is unavailable, I thought I would check out Craigslist to see what jobs are open.  I realize that after 30 years of being a prosecutor my experience is pretty limited, as are my skills.  I cannot fix HVAC, drive a big rig, or work in the medical field (I faint at the sight of blood).  I am not licensed to practice law, be a tour guide (they need licenses in NYC), or give pedicures.  I can’t sing, act, or dance, nor have I ever worked on a tech crew.  But just maybe I can find something.  All of these are real listings on Craigslist in New York:

·        “Coyote Ugly-type bartending.  Great tips. All types wanted. Real people place.”  When they say “all types,” you think they mean overweight, old men with bad attitudes who really don’t like drunken twenty-somethings?

·         Esthetician Wax Specialist.  I guess this is a person who provides waxing services for people who want to be hair-free.  It says they will train. They promise income of $45-60K.  That is a lot of wax.

·         Copy machine operator for a big law firm.  Now this is something I actually have some experience at.  Working for the government I made lots of copies, cleared paper jams, and learned the subtleties of how to copy two pages of a book onto a single sheet of paper.  There is a slight problem as it says “good attitude is a must.”

·         Mobile pet groomer.  I guess people here are too busy to even drop their dogs off at a groomer so they get the groomer to come to them.  This place says you can earn $500-$1000 a week.  Now, as everyone who knows me knows, I don’t like dogs so that will be a problem.

·         Make $8 to $30 an hour handing out fliers for upscale strip club.  Here is something I am definitely qualified for.  It does require standing on busy street corners in midtown Manhattan thrusting unwanted pieces of paper in the faces of busy and surly office workers, many of whom respond with unflattering expletives about the circumstances of your birth.  This ad says some of their people (and they say this is a full-time job) make $1000 a week.  I wonder if it includes free admission.

·         Male strippers needed.   Stop laughing—didn’t you see “The Full Monty?”

·          Tattoo artist and piercer needed.  Oh damn, you have to be licensed.

·         Brand Ambassador representing 5 hour energy.  This ad is long, but it appears a lot of the job is standing around and giving free samples to people.  I often get tired standing around so if they give me free samples I am sure I will be ok.

·         Matchmaker/Love scout.  I watch the “Millionaire Matchmaker” from time to time.  She charges thousands and I have never seen her actually match a couple which ended up getting married.  I can be just as unsuccessful as she can.

·         New reality show is looking for people with real issues.  The show is called “Brawl It Out.”  Apparently they put you into a ring (unclear if boxing or mixed martial arts or what) and let the two of you go at it for a panel of judges.  I have so many possible candidates I could be a regular on this show.  (Of course, I would get my ass kicked on a weekly basis, but that could be interesting.)  They promise $500-$1000.  I have gotten my ass kicked for a lot less.

I should have no problem finding some work.  There are thousands more openings like these.